Living with Inattentive ADHD When The World Thinks You’re Just Spacey

When I was younger, I wasn’t loud or disruptive. I didn’t blurt things out in class. I just… zoned out… a lot. I missed instructions, forgot what I was doing mid-task, and always felt like I was ten steps behind everyone else my age.

But no one thought I needed help. I got labeled as “smart but lazy,” which somehow hurt more, because I was trying so hard.

That’s how it often goes with inattentive ADHD. It’s not the kind that gets noticed right away. If ever. Especially if you’re a girl.

What Inattentive ADHD Feels Like

People expect ADHD to look a certain way. Loud, bouncy, energized. But inattentive ADHD isn’t loud. It’s quiet. Slower. Foggy. Sometimes (most of the time) staring at a screen, or a friend’s face, and I know I’m supposed to be paying attention but I’m somewhere else entirely.

It’s losing things constantly. Re-reading the same sentence five times and still not absorbing it. Getting frustrated and feeling like everything is harder than it should be, even the small stuff.

It’s forgetting plans you were excited about. Getting overwhelmed by a three-step task. Feeling my brain drift in every direction except the one I need it to go. I can go on for eternity. TLDR: when it’s bad, it’s hell.

And the worst part? When people say to just try harder. As if effort is the problem.

Why inattentive ADHD Is Missed in Girls

Girls are often socialized to be quiet and agreeable. Girls mature faster and are usually held to higher standards than boys. For the most part, we’re expected to sit still and follow the rules. So when we do that, even while spacing out or struggling silently, it’s seen as good behavior, not a red flag.

I spent most of my childhood feeling “off,” but not in a way that raised concern. I wasn’t disruptive. I wasn’t failing. I was just barely treading water while the other kids my age swam laps in extracir.

CHADD talks about how girls are often overlooked because their symptoms are less obvious. We might be called dreamy, disorganized, emotional. But not once does anyone say: maybe this is ADHD.

Many of us only get diagnosed in adulthood. Usually when the coping mechanisms break down. When anxiety or burnout take over. Or when we finally see something online and think, “Wait. That’s me.”

The Toll of Late Diagnosis

Not knowing you have ADHD can shape your whole sense of self. You feel lazy. Irresponsible. Broken. You hear the word “potential” thrown around a lot, like a backhanded compliment.

It can mess with your relationships. Your work. Your ability to trust your own brain. And it can be incredibly isolating—especially when most ADHD content out there still centers on the loud, funny, impulsive type.

There’s research showing that women with undiagnosed ADHD are more likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, even eating disorders. It makes sense. When you spend your whole life thinking you’re just bad at being a person, it adds up.

But getting a diagnosis can be a huge relief. It won’t fix everything, but it can shift the story you’ve been telling yourself. It gives you language. Context. A way to move forward that isn’t just self-blame and burnout.

What Helps (Sometimes)

Not every strategy works for everyone, and that’s okay. But here are a few things that have helped me – little things that make the fog feel a bit lighter.

1. Body Doubling

Have someone near you while you work or do chores, even if you’re doing different things. It doesn’t have to be social. Just having someone nearby can help with focus. It can weirdly grounding and holds me accountable.

2. Timers!

Timers put me into action. I set a timer for 20 minutes and just… start. Starting is the hard part. Timers take the pressure off finishing. You don’t have to stop at the 20 minutes, but I like to keep resetting the timer just to help with my time blindness.

3. Visible Organization

If it’s out of sight, it might as well not exist. For me at least anyways. I use open shelves, clear bins, and sticky note reminders everywhere. I need to see what I’m supposed to remember. This is not to say that I don’t have “secret” storage where I keep things I don’t need daily. I also have my junk storage where I throw things in panic when I have to clean the house before I have people over. I’m nowhere near perfect and still figuring out what works, but having what I use regularly visible, helps.

4. One Ugly Notepad

I’ve bought a dozen beautiful planners and abandoned every single one. Now I use one plain old notepad. I write everything in it – lists, reminders, random thoughts, doodles. It’s messy but it keeps me going and stops the notebook paralysis I get when I have a more ‘aesthetic’ notebook.

5. Be Kind to Yourself

This isn’t about toxic positivity. Don’t tear yourself down for being wired differently. You’re not lazy. It’s okay to be a little messy. You’re a person doing their best in a world that wasn’t built for your kind of brain. You deserve to relax.

You’re Not Alone

If anyone other than me ever reads this. And if this sounds familiar, I hope it helps you feel a little less alone. Inattentive ADHD doesn’t get talked about enough. But we’re out here.

Diagnosis isn’t a fix-all, though it feels like it when you first find out. But it’s a start. And you deserve a version of your life that doesn’t feel like a constant uphill climb.

Need a starting point? CHADD and the CDC have resources. If you’re looking for community or just someone who gets it, you’re already in the right place.